A Pawn in the Hand of a Cruel Master

It seems I always get my best inspirations when walking. I was praying along, not distracted today by any music on the MP3. It was just me and my thoughts, praying to God as I walked, and He was talking to me. He had something to say to me today and for once, I heard Him loud and clear.

Unforgiveness has held me back in my growth spiritually. I have been given so much. In fact, it says in Ephesians 1: 3 He has given us every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. Well, if that’s true, why am I still struggling over hurts that happened years ago? Why isn’t my place in the family of God enough? Even if my place in my earthly family isn’t all I want it to be?

Jesus is enough! He knows every intimate detail of my thoughts. (Hebrews 4: 12) He knows what will happen in all of my life: every event, every tragedy, every sin, every happiness. (Psalm 139) With a Friend like that, why do I allow myself to get so entangled in what people say to me, especially the ones that are close to me? Why do I allow myself to react in anger and tears and hidden resentments that I bury inside, which only comes out in other ways?

OK, enough already. I have wasted at least half of my life on this foolishness. I believe the Lord showed me the key to overcoming it today. When our pure, kind, sinless Savior was upon the cross, about ready to endure the wrath of God for all of our vileness, He said the words that an arrogant Pharisee like me who holds grudges against people way too long should also be willing to say:

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
(Luke 23:34)

I think of all the times I have been slighted, times I have been unfairly treated, my name has been slandered, I have been considered a wacko, etc. etc. I have cried bitterly over this. I have heard my husband say, “Poor Megan.”

But that didn’t solve the hurt, the anger, the bitterness inside my heart. In writing my memoir, things came up that were not fun to remember. I have had times of intense pain, times of failures and times when others let me down. But for me to hang onto them would make me a pawn, a pawn in the hand of a very cruel master. The wrong master, not the one I want to be serving.

You see, in hanging onto unforgiveness, I am signing up to be a slave. If Jesus has freely forgiven me all of my sins like He talked about in the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18: 21- 35, and then I go and not forgive my brother for his trespass against me, I am totally forgetting what Christ did for me in judging my sins. In other words, I am completely disoriented to the cross of Christ. I am not letting His love flow through me. I am out of fellowship with Him. I am actually working for His enemy. I am a pawn in the hand of a cruel master. The one who doesn’t like to let his captives go free.

It helps me, when I think of the wrong done to me, to say to myself, the same thing my Savior said in Luke before He went to the cross. For you see, none of us really realize the impact of our words, our actions have upon others. I know that I have wounded others terribly by the things I have said and done. Oh, if I could just take those words back! So, when I am tempted to muse upon the wrongs done to me, I want to cast it down right away, like we are commanded in II Corinthians 10: 5, not even dwell on it for a minute. I don’t want to be a pawn anymore….