Losing, Loving, and Waiting for Departure

 My dear  Mom at a park near her house. She didn't me to take a picture but I told her I wanted a memory for when she was gone.

Listen to your father who begot you, And do not despise your mother when she is old. Proverbs 23:22

A sweet writing friend just lost her mother. I felt stunned hearing how quickly her mother passed, but rejoiced that she went peacefully. I know that day of losing my own mother looms, and I  wonder how long it will be until she joins Dad in heaven.

Mom is in the midst of deep grief from losing her partner and best friend of 58 years. Now my sisters and I have made the painful decision to get her a little efficiency at a senior care home not too far from my home. It wasn't our first choice, but there seemed to be no other good option, and even mother realized that this must happen and agreed to it. Mom can't live alone in her home in the country when winter comes, so she must say goodbye to her home too. My heart aches.


How the words in Proverbs which say, "do not despise your mother when she is old,"  cut me to the quick at times when I grew impatient with her slowness getting out the door, or repeating herself, or hearing her complaints. It must be easy to despise people when they are old or Solomon would not have written it. 

We all love babies, so innocent and sweet with their fresh skin and wonder at the world. But loving the ones that are vulnerable on the other side of the spectrum? In this culture we live in, youth are exalted but the old and grayheaded are easily despised. In other cultures it isn't like this. 

When I was younger  I thought I knew so much. I assumed old people didn't know a thing. I thought I would do better than my parents did when I had my own children.

One day I sat on the floor with my baby and played with him, attempting to stimulate his little brain for learning. I suddenly realized how woefully unprepared I was to be his mother, to raise and nurture him, teach him what he would need for life. But there was no manual to read to make myself ready.

Rather, I was in for a rude awakening. My own rebellious heart haunted me when I saw it in my children. Over time, my heart softened toward Mom and Dad and their imperfections.

They were just two hurting human beings who got together and decided to have a family. They were going to have a boy and a girl but did not get what they ordered and ended up with us three girls. I think Mom often felt overwhelmed, and when I had my three, I often felt overwhelmed too.

Our parents had wounds that carried over into their parenting of us. The wounds were passed down, and somehow, without ever wanting to, we passed them on to our children. 

It comes right down to the fall of mankind, and the sorrow we all inherited from Adam.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world, and no one really loves our kids the way we do. But one day they grow up and move away and the difficult process of separation must begin. 

From that day on we can't "go home" again. Once I married and moved away, I struggled with resentment.  Then one day I too found myself a parent and had a newsflash:   parenting was not easy, not at all.

All too soon my "chippies" (as we called them) left our nest, and I was only left with memories, just like Mom had memories of us girls and the things we did that made her crazy. We begged her to stop reminding us of our stupid mistakes.

She finally stopped reminding us now. Instead, she talks about having a recurrent dream of seeing my Dad looking for his mother in heaven. She  slows down more and more, mostly just resting in her chair for most of the day.

She longs to go and be with Dad. How can I blame her for that?

Now it feels like I parent her more than her parenting me. All the nights I  spent with her, I tucked her in, and kissed her on the head and told her I loved her.

As I walked out of her room I heard her say, "I love you too honey."

Parenting came full circle. 

I prayed for clear direction, and God provided a comfy private room at a nice place not far from me available. God made her willing to go, instead of demanding she would stay "right here" in her present home. Now I trust that God will continue to lead us.  Mom will finish tredding her own journey, and then meet Jesus (and my Dad) again on the other side.

A Christmas Like No Other

I Thess. 4:13-17 13 But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.fn
15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.

This is going to be a different Christmas from all others in my life. Last week, my Mom fell and received an excruciating pelvic fracture that only can heal through rest and time. I was with her when she fell and saw her go down. I ran to her but did not get there in time. Now her life, and indeed all of our lives, have been rearranged.

Mom always loved Christmas. When I was a little girl, she tried so hard to make it special for me and my two sisters. I will always treasure a special memory of the note she wrote me when she gave me my last baby doll. I was growing up, and she gently told me it would be my last one, though I was reluctant to leave childhood behind.

I was just starting to get into the spirit of things last week when I accompanied Mom and Dad on a trip to my sister's house, and it was on our way there she fell. At first I thought she was very fortunate, for she was able to walk when we helped her get to her feet, but it seemed that her pain only got worse and worse. It was not until we returned home that she got the XRay that confirmed she had a small fracture.

Now, Mom needs my help. It will mean travelling to her home and staying there and helping my Dad, at least until she begins to improve. The last two nights have been difficult when she wakes up in excruciating pain. Somehow, my zest to write Christmas cards and do more shopping has gone by the wayside.

But I have comfort, even in knowing that my parents are aging, and that one day they will leave us to carry on without them. Mom and Dad know the Lord, and I will see them when I get to heaven. Every morning, they have devotions together. They read from the Word and pray together. They didn't do that when we girls were little, but now it is their daily habit. They went from going to a ritualistic type of church to an evangelical one, and that didn't happen until we girls were grown and gone too. In fact, all of my family attends evangelical churches where the Word of God is taught. I am so thankful.

And so, I sit here and try to process what the near future holds for me. Mom's advice is "one day at a time," and I have to admit she's right. Jesus said to take no thought for tomorrow. My joy now is to see my own grandchildren and enjoy their delight in new life and adventures. The train of time stops for no one. One day, I will be in Mom's shoes, if the Lord tarries.

My comfort in all of this is in Christ, and that my family, whether awake in the Lord or asleep in death, will hear that trumpet call one day. Christ is the one thing that makes life worth living. Whatever hope do we have without Him. Current events, which seem to spiral downward in a vortex, faster and faster every day, make our lives uncertain, but Christ is our stronghold and our hope.

Wisdom and knowledge will be the stability of your times,
And the strength of salvation;
The fear of the LORD is His treasure. Isaiah 33:6

A friend of mine who lost her mother recently encouraged all her friends to spend Thanksgiving in gratitude with our parents, if we still had them. I never realized how timely her words would be. One day, it will be too late to show my gratitude to my parents. The time to love and help them is now.

Proverbs 23:22
Listen to your father who begot you,
And do not despise your mother when she is old.